Drowning Inside.

One of the hardest things about being without my husband for two to three weeks is all the problems I have. I have depression, anxiety, and a lot of symptoms of PTSD (I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD unlike the other two so I will not claim I have it). I’ve been working through it and finding ways to deal with it. I normally don’t go telling everyone my issues because it’s nothing to be proud of. Yet I see people all the time posting about how they have all these issues like they are so proud of having it or because they love the attention.

It’s not romantic to have mental illness. I see some people thinking that all their problems will all be solved when they find “the one”. This is far from true if you truly have a mental illness.  Everyday is a struggle, some more than others.  I’ve had people tell me to just be happy or to calm down. If it was as easy as that then no one would ever be sad. Now there is a different between trying to be happy and people who just act depressed all the time. Some people do choose not to be happy because they enjoy the attention despite it being negative.

I’ve gotten a lot better from where I was over a year ago. Since I was 13, I had done some self harming. I cut my self, burned myself, punched things. However, cutting was how I released my pain for the most part. I have scars on my arms, legs, and on my chest. I haven’t cut since November 2012. I remember with all my cuts that I would have friends who would slap my cuts as to try to get me stop. I always thought this was ridiculous because it didn’t do anything. I had cut to get rid of the emotional pain. How people reacted to this usually didn’t help. I had a family member tell me I was stupid for cutting. When they called my therapist to get me committed, my therapist insisted on not having me committed but instead to see her more often. This family member was furious, claiming that they guess you couldn’t be committed for stupidity. I was 17 at this time. This did not help all the things that were going on in my head that had originally caused me to cut myself.

I still get urges to cut but I learned to try to putting my focus to other things. As I mention in a previous post, I have anxiety attacks after being alone when my husband is gone. It used to happen less than a day of him being gone. Since we got our fur baby, I don’t get my attacks until about 4 or 5 days of my love being gone. I have get really upset with knots in my stomach, I can’t calm myself down, a panicky feeling, I start shaking, and so much more. These are the worst feelings in the world.

I feel like I’m drowning while everyone else is breathing. There is a lot of things that brought on my illness other than my brain chemistry being a little funky but I will not go into that.  I still try to find the good in everyday. I’ve been grateful to have a husband who tries to be patient with me when I have my issues. I’m lucky to have friends who do their best to help me get through these. I even had a friend kindly get us an alarm system so I could calm myself more when I thought someone was after me.

If you know anyone with a mental illness, please be patient with them. Do NOT tell them just to get over it or to just be happy. It will not  help them. Everyone is fighting their own battle and others are having to fight harder with their brains.

If you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone or call:  1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life is worth living and you are not in this alone. If you share my problems or feel like I can help you please email me at Simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com. I swear you will never have to be alone. I’m help for you and I want you to know you are loved.

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Douchebags In the Military.

I’m so embarrassed….. Last week I posted Part two to the wrong blog!!!! Talk about a facepalm….. If you missed it, I reblogged it from my other blog which is a fitness blog. I’m so sorry.

This week I want to put some focus on our country’s heroes…….. Well some of them. We all know someone like this: Cute, has someone, but uses the military as excuses to either cheat or avoid their SO. They may even have an ego the size of Texas. These are the people who you wonder how someone could stay with them. These are the Douchebags of the Military. These are the people who you know they are doing things like I’ve explained before but you won’t say anything because; well who really wants to be that jerk? The messenger will always be shot.

These people make me very frustrated. I’m very against cheating. Not because I’m a Christian but because cheating is a very crappy thing to do to someone…. Some people say that “Well if you aren’t happy then leave” but the problem isn’t that they are unhappy. I’ve seen many people be with someone to use them for whatever reason in civilian life and in the military life. It’s just horrible. Then I either watch or I hear that some of the people in the military will use their job to avoid their girlfriends or to not go home to their wives.

These people will use their training as an excuse or take on extra “chores” or whatever to why they can’t see you. Sometimes it’s not even true what they say they are doing. Some of these SO’s will find out about these douchebags’ lies and go so far into denial. I’ve seen that happen as well. It’s so sad. I have a hard time telling my friends’ to grow a pair when they need it that I can’t imagine being unfaithful to someone I claim to love.

Now, I’m not trying to install fear into you faithful SO’s of military personnel. If your SO is saying the military is preventing them from seeing you or from coming home, it’s probably true because the military enjoys making people miserable. The military can easily take them away. I know my husband will call me and tell me he has to go out in the field after being told hours before he’s staying in town….. How do I know my husband isn’t one of these guys?? Well he can’t lie to me. He just can’t, his facial expressions give him away. Also I trust him and his morals. He’s just like me, he’s very against cheating. He also helps me see he isn’t being unfaithful or avoiding me because he calls or texts me every chance he gets and comes home at any moment he can.

So just because your SO says the military is keeping them, doesn’t mean they are lying. If you trust your love then keep on trusting them until they give you a solid reason not to trust them.

As for the people who use their job to cheat or avoid their SO:

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Fort Irwin Army Wife.

I married a soldier on 7 March 2013. What they don’t tell you when you marry into the military is you marry the job as well. For the first two and half months of my marriage I was apart from my love because I had to finish high school. (Please don’t focus on that part of this story though.)

In May is when I was able to join my love in Fort Irwin, CA. I was warned about this place. I was told it had one of the highest divorce rates. I was spending most of my first and hardest years of marriage in a place that tore them down. That terrified me.

Well I’m past the one year mark now and I’m more in love with my husband now than I was when we first got married. We are surviving Fort Irwin. My husband along with many other soldiers leave for two weeks every month for training. Sometimes we get lucky and they are only out there for a short time and the work days are just longer instead. Other times, I won’t get to see my love except for a few hours out of that whole time.

The reason I’m have started this blog is because I have a lot of friends who ask me how I do it and other friends who think I should quit my whining because my husband isn’t deployed. This whole thing is an “experiences may vary”. What I go through is what I go through. I don’t feel it’s fair to undermine what I experience just because it’s different from you. So this is to help people understand how I deal with my husband being gone even if it’s for a short time for you.

Some things to know before I go; I have depression, severe anxiety, and I’m a very sensitive person. After a certain amount of time I get anxiety attacks when my husband is gone. It used to be worst and I’ve been working on it a lot. So my husband being gone may affect me differently than you.

Again these are my experiences and may differ from yours. I will start posting these every Wednesday from now on. I hope you enjoy.

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