Drowning Inside.

One of the hardest things about being without my husband for two to three weeks is all the problems I have. I have depression, anxiety, and a lot of symptoms of PTSD (I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD unlike the other two so I will not claim I have it). I’ve been working through it and finding ways to deal with it. I normally don’t go telling everyone my issues because it’s nothing to be proud of. Yet I see people all the time posting about how they have all these issues like they are so proud of having it or because they love the attention.

It’s not romantic to have mental illness. I see some people thinking that all their problems will all be solved when they find “the one”. This is far from true if you truly have a mental illness.  Everyday is a struggle, some more than others.  I’ve had people tell me to just be happy or to calm down. If it was as easy as that then no one would ever be sad. Now there is a different between trying to be happy and people who just act depressed all the time. Some people do choose not to be happy because they enjoy the attention despite it being negative.

I’ve gotten a lot better from where I was over a year ago. Since I was 13, I had done some self harming. I cut my self, burned myself, punched things. However, cutting was how I released my pain for the most part. I have scars on my arms, legs, and on my chest. I haven’t cut since November 2012. I remember with all my cuts that I would have friends who would slap my cuts as to try to get me stop. I always thought this was ridiculous because it didn’t do anything. I had cut to get rid of the emotional pain. How people reacted to this usually didn’t help. I had a family member tell me I was stupid for cutting. When they called my therapist to get me committed, my therapist insisted on not having me committed but instead to see her more often. This family member was furious, claiming that they guess you couldn’t be committed for stupidity. I was 17 at this time. This did not help all the things that were going on in my head that had originally caused me to cut myself.

I still get urges to cut but I learned to try to putting my focus to other things. As I mention in a previous post, I have anxiety attacks after being alone when my husband is gone. It used to happen less than a day of him being gone. Since we got our fur baby, I don’t get my attacks until about 4 or 5 days of my love being gone. I have get really upset with knots in my stomach, I can’t calm myself down, a panicky feeling, I start shaking, and so much more. These are the worst feelings in the world.

I feel like I’m drowning while everyone else is breathing. There is a lot of things that brought on my illness other than my brain chemistry being a little funky but I will not go into that.  I still try to find the good in everyday. I’ve been grateful to have a husband who tries to be patient with me when I have my issues. I’m lucky to have friends who do their best to help me get through these. I even had a friend kindly get us an alarm system so I could calm myself more when I thought someone was after me.

If you know anyone with a mental illness, please be patient with them. Do NOT tell them just to get over it or to just be happy. It will not  help them. Everyone is fighting their own battle and others are having to fight harder with their brains.

If you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone or call:  1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life is worth living and you are not in this alone. If you share my problems or feel like I can help you please email me at Simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com. I swear you will never have to be alone. I’m help for you and I want you to know you are loved.

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8 thoughts on “Drowning Inside.

  1. What an honest and open post you have written. I am a middle school teacher and have so many students with cuts on their arms and legs. I never know what to say to them, I just know they are hurting inside. I’ll think of your words when I see them again. My husband is military too. Stay strong.

    • Let them know if they need someone to talk to your door is open with no judgement. I honestly wouldn’t have made it through school without the teachers who were there for me. Thank you for your kind words.

  2. Beautiful post. Very few people in my life know that I live with depression. Pretty sure that getting thrown into the military life and having a newborn did not help either. There’s still a huge stigma surrounding depression that I usually ask myself whether or not I should blog a certain subject because I don’t want people I know IRL to AK (actually know). Thank you for sharing.

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