Aside

Being In Love with Depression

I’ve been told lots of times before that before I could love someone, I had to love myself. With my depression and low self-esteem, loving myself was just not something I could bring myself to do. I had never felt like I was good enough in any shape or form. Now I have more mental issues and I”m married.

I’ve been married less than a year and a half, I still deal with my issues, and I’m still learning to love myself. So I wanted to give an insight of what goes through my brain on a daily basis being in love with someone like my husband.

Every morning that I get to wake up to him next to me, I look over at him and I’m always completely amazed. Then I wonder how I can show this man, I’m worth it. I’m worth being married to. Now, don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t do anything to make me feel like I have to earn his love or feel worthy of him. It’s just what goes through my head every day. I feel like all my life I’ve been trying to get the approval of people who, honestly, wasn’t worth it.

I always wonder what my husband could possibly see in me. How I see myself is so low that I still have a hard time believing that an amazing guy like my husband could truly love me. He shows me every day that he loves me and that I’m his world… However, I always wonder why.

My husband has almost seen me at my complete bottom. Yet he is still by my side. I still have my days where I just, mentally, can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I tell anyone who wants to see me that I’m just simply sick. Then I lay around my house complaining.

Who would want to come home and deal with that? Who would know how to deal with that? Honestly, not many people do. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me I’m pathetic on one of my down days. Now, I’m not the kind of person who relays on other people to pick me up when I’m down, but it does help when someone helps or it hurts when they add other things to my mind. Not many people would know what to do or say in this situation. However, my husband just tries his best. He gives me encouraging words, plays with my hair, and just tries his best to understand that sometimes, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong for me to be like that.

With my anxiety, he tries to text or call every chance he gets when he’s gone for the two or three weeks for training. He doesn’t have to. He could just let me have my break downs and not even deal with it because he’s away, but he tries to help me deal with it by keeping in contact.

I wonder everyday, what I did to deserve this amazing guy. I’m really hard to deal with, I know it. I have a lots of ups and downs.

Even though it’s my responsibility to love myself and pick myself up, but it’s nice to have someone who wants to be there for you and remind you that you’re a beautiful person no matter how you’re feeling. I appreciate my husband for accepting me, all of me. Even in my darkest hour, he thinks I’m amazing.

It scares me because, I’m scared I’ll push him away or I’ll be too much. I’ve improved a lot since being married. Yet, I’m scared he will find someone who isn’t as difficult.

I try not to let this effect my daily life. I love my husband and I know he wouldn’t leave. He likes a challenge and I’m challenging. I will always be scared that I’ll prove to be too challenging. For now, I’m happy that I found someone who loves me.

So to my husband; Thank you for being such an incredible husband. I’m sorry I can be hard to handle but I appreciate everything you do with me.

Thank you for showing me, I’m a beautiful person inside and out no matter what.

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Porn Addiction Vs. Marriage.

Thanks to last week, I did get some emails about topics that people wanted me to discuss. The one that popped out at me was a woman who wanted me to talk about Porn Addiction. I’m not a psychologist or an expert on this subject but I do feel like porn is one of those topics that has people thinking it’s horrible and others thinking it’s not a big deal. So I did a little research on the subject and formed my own opinion on it.

40 million Americans visit porn sites on a regular basis. While you’re reading this, every second, there are around 28,000 people using internet porn. Now for most people when you hear this, you are probably thinking it’s men who are doing, when in fact 1 out of 3 porn viewers are women. Though 70% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 visit porn sites within a typical month and 20% of men say they watch it during work. Out of the top ten most popular search; “sex” and “porn” ranked fourth and sixth.

Porn can become an addiction. However, from the words of a psychologist that I met with, Porn is different from drugs. Drugs leave you craving more. Porn leaves you craving something different. Now I know a lot of people who see porn is cheating… I am one of these people and I base this belief off of Matthew 5:28, which says:“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Lets be honest; when you are looking at porn, you are not just looking at porn. You’re more than likely getting off by looking at it. And out of all the research I’ve done, so many things show that when you are addicted to porn, you have a high chance of sleeping around or even becoming a pedophile. 

Porn addiction will hurt marriages. Most of the time when a woman enters a marriage, she makes the assumption that it is monogamous. Sex brings the feelings of vulnerability to the woman’s partner in life and makes an attachment and bond to her partner. It’s a way of connecting in more than just a physical way. However, when the woman finds out that her partner is watching porn, a lot of feelings come up for her. She realizes that making love isn’t about her or the bond that comes from it. That is just about the sex and pleasure. She feels betrayed and her self esteem drops. She starts to wonder if she’s thin or curvy enough for him, if shes terrible in bed or if she’s just not good enough.

Most of the time the partner will act like it’s not a big deal. However, a porn addict will pick the porn over having sex with their partner. Porn will encourage lies about it. If the woman didn’t know about the porn, when in a marriage everything should be honest, there’s a lie right there. You’re hiding something from your partner. Or if the porn addict says they want to fix the marriage and never look at porn again, then the woman finds it. You’ve lied.

When a porn addicts says that they are going to change but their partner finds the porn again, it feels like a kick in the stomach and a stab to the heart. It hurts. Sometimes it even hurts worst than the first time because they have already expressed their hurt to you from the first time and you continued to do it. That can hurt them because they feel like you don’t care about their feelings or that they are truly not enough for you.

If porn is an issue in your marriage, it needs to be dealt with. It’s extremely hurtful to a marriage and can be a start of problems that will later lead to divorce. If you love your spouse, it’s time to get help. Go to a marriage counselor or your pastor.

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Sources: http://www.onlineschools.org, http://www.internetsafety101.org, http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/9-reasons-porn-hurts.

Marriage.

I thought I’d take a break from Military life and talk about Marriage. I told a bit about my marriage in the very first post of this blog. I’m going to elaborate on it in this blog;

I got married when I was 17 and a senior in high school. I had only dated my husband about three months before we got married. We didn’t have a formal engagement because we were planning on getting married in August after I turned 18. In fact my husband was planning on proposing in person the weekend we got married, but instead we got married. I’ve known my husband since I was a sophomore and we had dated a few times. Before we got married I made him wait a month before saying yes to dating because of the issues in my life I was having. We got married on March 7th, 2013 with my parents signing off on it.

Our first year of marriage was hard. I didn’t know how to handle my depression and anxiety, my husband didn’t know how to communicate and express himself. I would start having anxiety attacks after three days of being alone, so that put a lot of stress on my love. It didn’t help that I had the implanon and that had me always grumpy and moody. My husband had only known the me that was on the implanon. We also had to learn that friendships and exes were not worth are marriage.

As the year progress, my husband started to learn that he needed to talk to me and couldn’t just pretend nothing was wrong. I had to learn to give him time to talk. I started to handle my anxiety and depression with the help of my love and our pup. I even had the implanon removed which, according to my husband, I became more cheery and I know I felt happier.

A lot of people think marriage is just a piece of paper. People stop trying to fight for the person they marry and they marry for the wrong reasons. The first year of marriage is very hard. You have to learn to communicate, what the person’s love language is, and how to stand by them even when you disagree. People tend to think their SO are not trying when it’s possible that the people is trying but isn’t trying to what your love language is. People give up too fast. One of the things my husband and I agreed on before we married is that, if we did this, we were stuck together till death do us part. That means NO divorce. Honestly I don’t think my husband and I would have made it as far if we didn’t agree on that. We had to fight to be happy and to grow together instead of just going of straight to divorce.

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. It’s the promise to commit to one another for life. You are committing your life to stand by one another no matter what. People get into marriage for all the wrong reasons like; You have a child together, you’ve been together so long it just seems like the right thing to do, you marry for the financial support, you get married just because. Marriage needs to be between two people who love one another like no other, who are ready to spend their lives together, and won’t stop dating or fighting to be with the one they love even after marriage. You need to be married to your best and sometimes only friend. You need to put your love one over anyone else (Except your children) and no one, no friendship, is worth hurting your marriage.

In my marriage now, my husband and I are very happy. We still have some arguments here and there but we know how to handle them now. We do what we can to bring one another up and help one another in any thing that hurts us. We are growing together and I see us having a long happy life together.

If you are thinking of getting married, make sure it’s for the right reasons and that you can see yourself spending your life together. If you are married, then please keep fighting for your marriage. Try to go on dates even if it’s just a family walk. Remember, you may not thinking your SO is trying but they may be trying the best way they know. Communication is key, if your SO is like how my husband was and do no talk when a problem comes up but instead just tries to avoid, that usually means they don’t know how to talk about it. Some people are not good with communication or they just don’t want to make things worst.

Now if your marriage is beyond saving, then I hope that you both end up happy and end on good terms.

Remember, cheating is not okay and abuse is not okay. (Abuse can be sexual, physical, economical, or emotional)

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Fort Irwin Army Wife.

I married a soldier on 7 March 2013. What they don’t tell you when you marry into the military is you marry the job as well. For the first two and half months of my marriage I was apart from my love because I had to finish high school. (Please don’t focus on that part of this story though.)

In May is when I was able to join my love in Fort Irwin, CA. I was warned about this place. I was told it had one of the highest divorce rates. I was spending most of my first and hardest years of marriage in a place that tore them down. That terrified me.

Well I’m past the one year mark now and I’m more in love with my husband now than I was when we first got married. We are surviving Fort Irwin. My husband along with many other soldiers leave for two weeks every month for training. Sometimes we get lucky and they are only out there for a short time and the work days are just longer instead. Other times, I won’t get to see my love except for a few hours out of that whole time.

The reason I’m have started this blog is because I have a lot of friends who ask me how I do it and other friends who think I should quit my whining because my husband isn’t deployed. This whole thing is an “experiences may vary”. What I go through is what I go through. I don’t feel it’s fair to undermine what I experience just because it’s different from you. So this is to help people understand how I deal with my husband being gone even if it’s for a short time for you.

Some things to know before I go; I have depression, severe anxiety, and I’m a very sensitive person. After a certain amount of time I get anxiety attacks when my husband is gone. It used to be worst and I’ve been working on it a lot. So my husband being gone may affect me differently than you.

Again these are my experiences and may differ from yours. I will start posting these every Wednesday from now on. I hope you enjoy.

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