Aside

Being In Love with Depression

I’ve been told lots of times before that before I could love someone, I had to love myself. With my depression and low self-esteem, loving myself was just not something I could bring myself to do. I had never felt like I was good enough in any shape or form. Now I have more mental issues and I”m married.

I’ve been married less than a year and a half, I still deal with my issues, and I’m still learning to love myself. So I wanted to give an insight of what goes through my brain on a daily basis being in love with someone like my husband.

Every morning that I get to wake up to him next to me, I look over at him and I’m always completely amazed. Then I wonder how I can show this man, I’m worth it. I’m worth being married to. Now, don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t do anything to make me feel like I have to earn his love or feel worthy of him. It’s just what goes through my head every day. I feel like all my life I’ve been trying to get the approval of people who, honestly, wasn’t worth it.

I always wonder what my husband could possibly see in me. How I see myself is so low that I still have a hard time believing that an amazing guy like my husband could truly love me. He shows me every day that he loves me and that I’m his world… However, I always wonder why.

My husband has almost seen me at my complete bottom. Yet he is still by my side. I still have my days where I just, mentally, can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I tell anyone who wants to see me that I’m just simply sick. Then I lay around my house complaining.

Who would want to come home and deal with that? Who would know how to deal with that? Honestly, not many people do. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me I’m pathetic on one of my down days. Now, I’m not the kind of person who relays on other people to pick me up when I’m down, but it does help when someone helps or it hurts when they add other things to my mind. Not many people would know what to do or say in this situation. However, my husband just tries his best. He gives me encouraging words, plays with my hair, and just tries his best to understand that sometimes, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong for me to be like that.

With my anxiety, he tries to text or call every chance he gets when he’s gone for the two or three weeks for training. He doesn’t have to. He could just let me have my break downs and not even deal with it because he’s away, but he tries to help me deal with it by keeping in contact.

I wonder everyday, what I did to deserve this amazing guy. I’m really hard to deal with, I know it. I have a lots of ups and downs.

Even though it’s my responsibility to love myself and pick myself up, but it’s nice to have someone who wants to be there for you and remind you that you’re a beautiful person no matter how you’re feeling. I appreciate my husband for accepting me, all of me. Even in my darkest hour, he thinks I’m amazing.

It scares me because, I’m scared I’ll push him away or I’ll be too much. I’ve improved a lot since being married. Yet, I’m scared he will find someone who isn’t as difficult.

I try not to let this effect my daily life. I love my husband and I know he wouldn’t leave. He likes a challenge and I’m challenging. I will always be scared that I’ll prove to be too challenging. For now, I’m happy that I found someone who loves me.

So to my husband; Thank you for being such an incredible husband. I’m sorry I can be hard to handle but I appreciate everything you do with me.

Thank you for showing me, I’m a beautiful person inside and out no matter what.

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Word DO hurt.

Last week I had no clue what to write for this. So a few friends told me they would like to see something on cyber bullying. I thought about how I wanted to write this. I thought about putting statistics and what psychologist say but then I decided that I want this to be as personal as some of my other posts have been.

I believe everyone who is on the internet gets cyber bullied at one point or another. I know I have been. It got worst after I got married at 17. I even had so called friends post statuses on Facebook ridiculing me for it. As a military wife, I see these women get cyber bullied for the things they do by people they don’t even know online. Just recently, I watched a close friend of mine fall apart because someone posted complete lies about her and her family. She was terrified that these lies would cause CPS to come to her house for an investigation. There is nothing more terrifying to a woman who loves her child than to have them taken from her.

I even had a brush with cyber bulling recently as well. A girl I haven’t even thought of in a long time messaging me calling me names and saying I did these untrue things or untrue things happened to me. However, this was the first time I just laughed about it and didn’t let it affect me, though my husband didn’t like what was being said. Luckily, I talked him out of being the rescuing husband and prevented farther drama.

Cyber bulling is a serious thing. It happens everyday and anyone who can read this blog, sees it everyday. Yet most of the time we sit there and do nothing about it. Even worst some people join in. Words hurt. Words have a psychological effect. Negative words tend to last longer in our heads than the positive words. And for some people those negative words, even though they come from a stranger, just sits in their heads replaying.

People find it easier to hide behind a device because you can’t seen the damage it causes for the person you are writing the cruel words to. You don’t see the tears that stream down the face of the person hurting. You can’t see the pain in their face. And what’s worst; is you probably just topped off a bad life. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Their battles may be different to you and may not seem as bad but it is for them.

So next time, keep your words to yourself or defend someone you see being attacked. You never know what that person could be going through and there is enough hurt in the world.

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Porn Addiction Vs. Marriage.

Thanks to last week, I did get some emails about topics that people wanted me to discuss. The one that popped out at me was a woman who wanted me to talk about Porn Addiction. I’m not a psychologist or an expert on this subject but I do feel like porn is one of those topics that has people thinking it’s horrible and others thinking it’s not a big deal. So I did a little research on the subject and formed my own opinion on it.

40 million Americans visit porn sites on a regular basis. While you’re reading this, every second, there are around 28,000 people using internet porn. Now for most people when you hear this, you are probably thinking it’s men who are doing, when in fact 1 out of 3 porn viewers are women. Though 70% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 visit porn sites within a typical month and 20% of men say they watch it during work. Out of the top ten most popular search; “sex” and “porn” ranked fourth and sixth.

Porn can become an addiction. However, from the words of a psychologist that I met with, Porn is different from drugs. Drugs leave you craving more. Porn leaves you craving something different. Now I know a lot of people who see porn is cheating… I am one of these people and I base this belief off of Matthew 5:28, which says:“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Lets be honest; when you are looking at porn, you are not just looking at porn. You’re more than likely getting off by looking at it. And out of all the research I’ve done, so many things show that when you are addicted to porn, you have a high chance of sleeping around or even becoming a pedophile. 

Porn addiction will hurt marriages. Most of the time when a woman enters a marriage, she makes the assumption that it is monogamous. Sex brings the feelings of vulnerability to the woman’s partner in life and makes an attachment and bond to her partner. It’s a way of connecting in more than just a physical way. However, when the woman finds out that her partner is watching porn, a lot of feelings come up for her. She realizes that making love isn’t about her or the bond that comes from it. That is just about the sex and pleasure. She feels betrayed and her self esteem drops. She starts to wonder if she’s thin or curvy enough for him, if shes terrible in bed or if she’s just not good enough.

Most of the time the partner will act like it’s not a big deal. However, a porn addict will pick the porn over having sex with their partner. Porn will encourage lies about it. If the woman didn’t know about the porn, when in a marriage everything should be honest, there’s a lie right there. You’re hiding something from your partner. Or if the porn addict says they want to fix the marriage and never look at porn again, then the woman finds it. You’ve lied.

When a porn addicts says that they are going to change but their partner finds the porn again, it feels like a kick in the stomach and a stab to the heart. It hurts. Sometimes it even hurts worst than the first time because they have already expressed their hurt to you from the first time and you continued to do it. That can hurt them because they feel like you don’t care about their feelings or that they are truly not enough for you.

If porn is an issue in your marriage, it needs to be dealt with. It’s extremely hurtful to a marriage and can be a start of problems that will later lead to divorce. If you love your spouse, it’s time to get help. Go to a marriage counselor or your pastor.

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Sources: http://www.onlineschools.org, http://www.internetsafety101.org, http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/9-reasons-porn-hurts.

Too Beautiful For Earth.

This week’s post is brought to you by Rarity, who wanted to share her story about her angel baby.

I want to share my story. My hope is that I can help people open up and ask those questions they are afraid of or share if they are afraid to. 

I miscarried in October of 2013. It started out as a mostly happy day my husband was back from the field for the day and I was already taking my 3 year old to the ER because she was saying her ears hurt. The doctors office was closed.
We got there and I started to have an ache in my abdominal area so I decided I should get it checked out. My husband and I had just received the news a week earlier that we were pregnant and we were ecstatic. At first I was afraid of an ectopic pregnancy because the pain was more towards my left side. It never accrued to me that I was miscarrying. I had just had my IUD removed and My lining was thin and my body couldn’t support that wonderful little Angel baby.
When the ER doctor came in my husband was making me laugh being his silly self, the doctor came over to me and I’ll never forget his words. They were cold and calculating “Have you been feeling pregnant, is that why you’ve been telling the staff that? Because your not your levels are at a 2.5 they need to be a 5” 
I looked at him with disbelief and answered “I tested positive for a blood test a week ago….so what your saying is I’ve miscarried” and he looked at his clipboard and started writing and said “seems so, well I need to go put some paperwork in” as an after thought he was walking out the door and said “I’m sorry if you were looking forward to this pregnancy.” 
I couldn’t believe him. He had already messed it up with how he delivered the news. How dare he then offer condolences. 
My husband grabbed me and I broke into tears. Luckily my husband dropped off our kids and a babysitter was watching them. I didn’t want them to see me this way. They let us grieve in the hospital room before sending us home with a pamphlet on miscarriage. I wanted to throw it at them. And yell a pamphlet. Really a freaking pamphlet. 


The following days and night were horrible, my husband was able to get time off work, he was able to take care of our other kids. I barely got out if bed at all, barely ate, when I took showers I cried. Nights were the worst. Crying all night until I passed out. There isn’t much to say because not a lot happened. I went through the normal stages of grief. It took me a long time to get to where I am. Longer than most people. Some of my friends were supportive…..and others not to much. I had one person tell me “why does it matter it’s not like the baby was born or something. ” what she didn’t realize is he was something he was my son. The son I’d dreamed of my whole marriage and then… He was…. Gone, just gone. Nothing to show but my emotions. I lost friends because they didn’t understand my grief. 

The only good thing that came from this terrible terrible tragedy was my husband and myself grew closer, extremely close. It’s been 7 months since I lost my son and I still cry. Losing a child isn’t something you get over, it’s something that you live with day in and day out. I can’t watch movies with babies who are in danger anymore. Anything closely related makes me cry and shut down. I should be holding my beautiful baby boy unfortunately I’m not, but we are happily expecting our next baby and everything is looking up.”

 

Miscarriages are, unfortunately, common. Some say it is around 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. What’s also unfortunate is no one is truly aware of the pain it causes to women and even their partners. They get comments like; “Well you can always have another”, ” It’s not like it was born alive”, ” You can just try again”, or worst, they blame the mother for her miscarriage. Miscarrying your child is still a terrible loss no matter how far a long you are. It has psychological and physical problems. 

This post is for those mothers of angel babies, who won’t be able to hold their child in this life. And to share how painful it is to those who just don’t understand. These women, these families, lose a part of them and it’s never easy. These women should be able to express their feelings of loss without the ignorant comments. Hold your children close because some are unable to.

If there are any questions or anyone who would like their story, you can post a comment or write to my email: simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com.  I promise Rarity will answer as much as she can.

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Statistics found at: http://www.hopexchange.com/Statistics.htm

Drowning Inside.

One of the hardest things about being without my husband for two to three weeks is all the problems I have. I have depression, anxiety, and a lot of symptoms of PTSD (I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD unlike the other two so I will not claim I have it). I’ve been working through it and finding ways to deal with it. I normally don’t go telling everyone my issues because it’s nothing to be proud of. Yet I see people all the time posting about how they have all these issues like they are so proud of having it or because they love the attention.

It’s not romantic to have mental illness. I see some people thinking that all their problems will all be solved when they find “the one”. This is far from true if you truly have a mental illness.  Everyday is a struggle, some more than others.  I’ve had people tell me to just be happy or to calm down. If it was as easy as that then no one would ever be sad. Now there is a different between trying to be happy and people who just act depressed all the time. Some people do choose not to be happy because they enjoy the attention despite it being negative.

I’ve gotten a lot better from where I was over a year ago. Since I was 13, I had done some self harming. I cut my self, burned myself, punched things. However, cutting was how I released my pain for the most part. I have scars on my arms, legs, and on my chest. I haven’t cut since November 2012. I remember with all my cuts that I would have friends who would slap my cuts as to try to get me stop. I always thought this was ridiculous because it didn’t do anything. I had cut to get rid of the emotional pain. How people reacted to this usually didn’t help. I had a family member tell me I was stupid for cutting. When they called my therapist to get me committed, my therapist insisted on not having me committed but instead to see her more often. This family member was furious, claiming that they guess you couldn’t be committed for stupidity. I was 17 at this time. This did not help all the things that were going on in my head that had originally caused me to cut myself.

I still get urges to cut but I learned to try to putting my focus to other things. As I mention in a previous post, I have anxiety attacks after being alone when my husband is gone. It used to happen less than a day of him being gone. Since we got our fur baby, I don’t get my attacks until about 4 or 5 days of my love being gone. I have get really upset with knots in my stomach, I can’t calm myself down, a panicky feeling, I start shaking, and so much more. These are the worst feelings in the world.

I feel like I’m drowning while everyone else is breathing. There is a lot of things that brought on my illness other than my brain chemistry being a little funky but I will not go into that.  I still try to find the good in everyday. I’ve been grateful to have a husband who tries to be patient with me when I have my issues. I’m lucky to have friends who do their best to help me get through these. I even had a friend kindly get us an alarm system so I could calm myself more when I thought someone was after me.

If you know anyone with a mental illness, please be patient with them. Do NOT tell them just to get over it or to just be happy. It will not  help them. Everyone is fighting their own battle and others are having to fight harder with their brains.

If you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone or call:  1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life is worth living and you are not in this alone. If you share my problems or feel like I can help you please email me at Simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com. I swear you will never have to be alone. I’m help for you and I want you to know you are loved.

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Marriage.

I thought I’d take a break from Military life and talk about Marriage. I told a bit about my marriage in the very first post of this blog. I’m going to elaborate on it in this blog;

I got married when I was 17 and a senior in high school. I had only dated my husband about three months before we got married. We didn’t have a formal engagement because we were planning on getting married in August after I turned 18. In fact my husband was planning on proposing in person the weekend we got married, but instead we got married. I’ve known my husband since I was a sophomore and we had dated a few times. Before we got married I made him wait a month before saying yes to dating because of the issues in my life I was having. We got married on March 7th, 2013 with my parents signing off on it.

Our first year of marriage was hard. I didn’t know how to handle my depression and anxiety, my husband didn’t know how to communicate and express himself. I would start having anxiety attacks after three days of being alone, so that put a lot of stress on my love. It didn’t help that I had the implanon and that had me always grumpy and moody. My husband had only known the me that was on the implanon. We also had to learn that friendships and exes were not worth are marriage.

As the year progress, my husband started to learn that he needed to talk to me and couldn’t just pretend nothing was wrong. I had to learn to give him time to talk. I started to handle my anxiety and depression with the help of my love and our pup. I even had the implanon removed which, according to my husband, I became more cheery and I know I felt happier.

A lot of people think marriage is just a piece of paper. People stop trying to fight for the person they marry and they marry for the wrong reasons. The first year of marriage is very hard. You have to learn to communicate, what the person’s love language is, and how to stand by them even when you disagree. People tend to think their SO are not trying when it’s possible that the people is trying but isn’t trying to what your love language is. People give up too fast. One of the things my husband and I agreed on before we married is that, if we did this, we were stuck together till death do us part. That means NO divorce. Honestly I don’t think my husband and I would have made it as far if we didn’t agree on that. We had to fight to be happy and to grow together instead of just going of straight to divorce.

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. It’s the promise to commit to one another for life. You are committing your life to stand by one another no matter what. People get into marriage for all the wrong reasons like; You have a child together, you’ve been together so long it just seems like the right thing to do, you marry for the financial support, you get married just because. Marriage needs to be between two people who love one another like no other, who are ready to spend their lives together, and won’t stop dating or fighting to be with the one they love even after marriage. You need to be married to your best and sometimes only friend. You need to put your love one over anyone else (Except your children) and no one, no friendship, is worth hurting your marriage.

In my marriage now, my husband and I are very happy. We still have some arguments here and there but we know how to handle them now. We do what we can to bring one another up and help one another in any thing that hurts us. We are growing together and I see us having a long happy life together.

If you are thinking of getting married, make sure it’s for the right reasons and that you can see yourself spending your life together. If you are married, then please keep fighting for your marriage. Try to go on dates even if it’s just a family walk. Remember, you may not thinking your SO is trying but they may be trying the best way they know. Communication is key, if your SO is like how my husband was and do no talk when a problem comes up but instead just tries to avoid, that usually means they don’t know how to talk about it. Some people are not good with communication or they just don’t want to make things worst.

Now if your marriage is beyond saving, then I hope that you both end up happy and end on good terms.

Remember, cheating is not okay and abuse is not okay. (Abuse can be sexual, physical, economical, or emotional)

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Being Married to a Soldier.

When you marry someone that’s in the military, you marry the job. Any military wife can tell you that. You have different type times of wives for this. You have the wives who try to know everything they can about their job, wives who were previously in the military, wives who have only the minimum to do with their husband’s jobs, and then the wives who pretend to know everything but really don’t.

I, myself, is the wife who tries her best to know my husband’s job because I don’t want to be clueless about what he tells me. It helps that my neighbor is the wife that was previously was military. So it’s easier for me to figure it out.

There are pros to being married to someone in the military; you have housing taken care of, medical benefits, etc. But unless your married to a soldier and truly love them, you don’t know the emotional pros. The pride you get when someone shakes their hand and thanks them for their service, when they get an award, and just knowing that they are trying to do their best for our country. You have your heart swell knowing that they would take a bullet for a stranger which means they would do anything for you. However, it’s not the romanticize story people seem to think it is..

There are cons; the worry for some people that their love ones will be deployed and hurt or killed out there. The men and women of Fort Irwin go out in the field for training for two weeks. Their SO worry about them because it’s just as dangerous. There have been times where my husband was almost killed. Some people have lost limbs. The thing is, I get told not to worry about my husband because he’s not deployed and he’ll be home at some point. That may not be true. The wives of these soldiers in Fort Irwin usually understand. Fort Irwin has one of the highest divorce rates as well. Being married to someone in the military isn’t always hard no matter where you are. You just love them and stand by their side anyways.

It’s an amazing feeling to know you married a hero, but at the same time, it’s very emotionally straining. You have the worry about their jobs, people who spread hate on them, and even people who are trying to get with your SO. Marriage is not easy. No marriage is. Some marriages have harder roads to go on. The only way a marriage can last is to stay strong through it all. Stand by your Solider, Sailor, Marine, or Airman no matter what.

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