Porn Addiction Vs. Marriage.

Thanks to last week, I did get some emails about topics that people wanted me to discuss. The one that popped out at me was a woman who wanted me to talk about Porn Addiction. I’m not a psychologist or an expert on this subject but I do feel like porn is one of those topics that has people thinking it’s horrible and others thinking it’s not a big deal. So I did a little research on the subject and formed my own opinion on it.

40 million Americans visit porn sites on a regular basis. While you’re reading this, every second, there are around 28,000 people using internet porn. Now for most people when you hear this, you are probably thinking it’s men who are doing, when in fact 1 out of 3 porn viewers are women. Though 70% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 visit porn sites within a typical month and 20% of men say they watch it during work. Out of the top ten most popular search; “sex” and “porn” ranked fourth and sixth.

Porn can become an addiction. However, from the words of a psychologist that I met with, Porn is different from drugs. Drugs leave you craving more. Porn leaves you craving something different. Now I know a lot of people who see porn is cheating… I am one of these people and I base this belief off of Matthew 5:28, which says:“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Lets be honest; when you are looking at porn, you are not just looking at porn. You’re more than likely getting off by looking at it. And out of all the research I’ve done, so many things show that when you are addicted to porn, you have a high chance of sleeping around or even becoming a pedophile. 

Porn addiction will hurt marriages. Most of the time when a woman enters a marriage, she makes the assumption that it is monogamous. Sex brings the feelings of vulnerability to the woman’s partner in life and makes an attachment and bond to her partner. It’s a way of connecting in more than just a physical way. However, when the woman finds out that her partner is watching porn, a lot of feelings come up for her. She realizes that making love isn’t about her or the bond that comes from it. That is just about the sex and pleasure. She feels betrayed and her self esteem drops. She starts to wonder if she’s thin or curvy enough for him, if shes terrible in bed or if she’s just not good enough.

Most of the time the partner will act like it’s not a big deal. However, a porn addict will pick the porn over having sex with their partner. Porn will encourage lies about it. If the woman didn’t know about the porn, when in a marriage everything should be honest, there’s a lie right there. You’re hiding something from your partner. Or if the porn addict says they want to fix the marriage and never look at porn again, then the woman finds it. You’ve lied.

When a porn addicts says that they are going to change but their partner finds the porn again, it feels like a kick in the stomach and a stab to the heart. It hurts. Sometimes it even hurts worst than the first time because they have already expressed their hurt to you from the first time and you continued to do it. That can hurt them because they feel like you don’t care about their feelings or that they are truly not enough for you.

If porn is an issue in your marriage, it needs to be dealt with. It’s extremely hurtful to a marriage and can be a start of problems that will later lead to divorce. If you love your spouse, it’s time to get help. Go to a marriage counselor or your pastor.

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Sources: http://www.onlineschools.org, http://www.internetsafety101.org, http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/9-reasons-porn-hurts.

Too Beautiful For Earth.

This week’s post is brought to you by Rarity, who wanted to share her story about her angel baby.

I want to share my story. My hope is that I can help people open up and ask those questions they are afraid of or share if they are afraid to. 

I miscarried in October of 2013. It started out as a mostly happy day my husband was back from the field for the day and I was already taking my 3 year old to the ER because she was saying her ears hurt. The doctors office was closed.
We got there and I started to have an ache in my abdominal area so I decided I should get it checked out. My husband and I had just received the news a week earlier that we were pregnant and we were ecstatic. At first I was afraid of an ectopic pregnancy because the pain was more towards my left side. It never accrued to me that I was miscarrying. I had just had my IUD removed and My lining was thin and my body couldn’t support that wonderful little Angel baby.
When the ER doctor came in my husband was making me laugh being his silly self, the doctor came over to me and I’ll never forget his words. They were cold and calculating “Have you been feeling pregnant, is that why you’ve been telling the staff that? Because your not your levels are at a 2.5 they need to be a 5” 
I looked at him with disbelief and answered “I tested positive for a blood test a week ago….so what your saying is I’ve miscarried” and he looked at his clipboard and started writing and said “seems so, well I need to go put some paperwork in” as an after thought he was walking out the door and said “I’m sorry if you were looking forward to this pregnancy.” 
I couldn’t believe him. He had already messed it up with how he delivered the news. How dare he then offer condolences. 
My husband grabbed me and I broke into tears. Luckily my husband dropped off our kids and a babysitter was watching them. I didn’t want them to see me this way. They let us grieve in the hospital room before sending us home with a pamphlet on miscarriage. I wanted to throw it at them. And yell a pamphlet. Really a freaking pamphlet. 


The following days and night were horrible, my husband was able to get time off work, he was able to take care of our other kids. I barely got out if bed at all, barely ate, when I took showers I cried. Nights were the worst. Crying all night until I passed out. There isn’t much to say because not a lot happened. I went through the normal stages of grief. It took me a long time to get to where I am. Longer than most people. Some of my friends were supportive…..and others not to much. I had one person tell me “why does it matter it’s not like the baby was born or something. ” what she didn’t realize is he was something he was my son. The son I’d dreamed of my whole marriage and then… He was…. Gone, just gone. Nothing to show but my emotions. I lost friends because they didn’t understand my grief. 

The only good thing that came from this terrible terrible tragedy was my husband and myself grew closer, extremely close. It’s been 7 months since I lost my son and I still cry. Losing a child isn’t something you get over, it’s something that you live with day in and day out. I can’t watch movies with babies who are in danger anymore. Anything closely related makes me cry and shut down. I should be holding my beautiful baby boy unfortunately I’m not, but we are happily expecting our next baby and everything is looking up.”

 

Miscarriages are, unfortunately, common. Some say it is around 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. What’s also unfortunate is no one is truly aware of the pain it causes to women and even their partners. They get comments like; “Well you can always have another”, ” It’s not like it was born alive”, ” You can just try again”, or worst, they blame the mother for her miscarriage. Miscarrying your child is still a terrible loss no matter how far a long you are. It has psychological and physical problems. 

This post is for those mothers of angel babies, who won’t be able to hold their child in this life. And to share how painful it is to those who just don’t understand. These women, these families, lose a part of them and it’s never easy. These women should be able to express their feelings of loss without the ignorant comments. Hold your children close because some are unable to.

If there are any questions or anyone who would like their story, you can post a comment or write to my email: simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com.  I promise Rarity will answer as much as she can.

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Statistics found at: http://www.hopexchange.com/Statistics.htm