Aside

Being In Love with Depression

I’ve been told lots of times before that before I could love someone, I had to love myself. With my depression and low self-esteem, loving myself was just not something I could bring myself to do. I had never felt like I was good enough in any shape or form. Now I have more mental issues and I”m married.

I’ve been married less than a year and a half, I still deal with my issues, and I’m still learning to love myself. So I wanted to give an insight of what goes through my brain on a daily basis being in love with someone like my husband.

Every morning that I get to wake up to him next to me, I look over at him and I’m always completely amazed. Then I wonder how I can show this man, I’m worth it. I’m worth being married to. Now, don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t do anything to make me feel like I have to earn his love or feel worthy of him. It’s just what goes through my head every day. I feel like all my life I’ve been trying to get the approval of people who, honestly, wasn’t worth it.

I always wonder what my husband could possibly see in me. How I see myself is so low that I still have a hard time believing that an amazing guy like my husband could truly love me. He shows me every day that he loves me and that I’m his world… However, I always wonder why.

My husband has almost seen me at my complete bottom. Yet he is still by my side. I still have my days where I just, mentally, can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I tell anyone who wants to see me that I’m just simply sick. Then I lay around my house complaining.

Who would want to come home and deal with that? Who would know how to deal with that? Honestly, not many people do. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me I’m pathetic on one of my down days. Now, I’m not the kind of person who relays on other people to pick me up when I’m down, but it does help when someone helps or it hurts when they add other things to my mind. Not many people would know what to do or say in this situation. However, my husband just tries his best. He gives me encouraging words, plays with my hair, and just tries his best to understand that sometimes, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong for me to be like that.

With my anxiety, he tries to text or call every chance he gets when he’s gone for the two or three weeks for training. He doesn’t have to. He could just let me have my break downs and not even deal with it because he’s away, but he tries to help me deal with it by keeping in contact.

I wonder everyday, what I did to deserve this amazing guy. I’m really hard to deal with, I know it. I have a lots of ups and downs.

Even though it’s my responsibility to love myself and pick myself up, but it’s nice to have someone who wants to be there for you and remind you that you’re a beautiful person no matter how you’re feeling. I appreciate my husband for accepting me, all of me. Even in my darkest hour, he thinks I’m amazing.

It scares me because, I’m scared I’ll push him away or I’ll be too much. I’ve improved a lot since being married. Yet, I’m scared he will find someone who isn’t as difficult.

I try not to let this effect my daily life. I love my husband and I know he wouldn’t leave. He likes a challenge and I’m challenging. I will always be scared that I’ll prove to be too challenging. For now, I’m happy that I found someone who loves me.

So to my husband; Thank you for being such an incredible husband. I’m sorry I can be hard to handle but I appreciate everything you do with me.

Thank you for showing me, I’m a beautiful person inside and out no matter what.

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Word DO hurt.

Last week I had no clue what to write for this. So a few friends told me they would like to see something on cyber bullying. I thought about how I wanted to write this. I thought about putting statistics and what psychologist say but then I decided that I want this to be as personal as some of my other posts have been.

I believe everyone who is on the internet gets cyber bullied at one point or another. I know I have been. It got worst after I got married at 17. I even had so called friends post statuses on Facebook ridiculing me for it. As a military wife, I see these women get cyber bullied for the things they do by people they don’t even know online. Just recently, I watched a close friend of mine fall apart because someone posted complete lies about her and her family. She was terrified that these lies would cause CPS to come to her house for an investigation. There is nothing more terrifying to a woman who loves her child than to have them taken from her.

I even had a brush with cyber bulling recently as well. A girl I haven’t even thought of in a long time messaging me calling me names and saying I did these untrue things or untrue things happened to me. However, this was the first time I just laughed about it and didn’t let it affect me, though my husband didn’t like what was being said. Luckily, I talked him out of being the rescuing husband and prevented farther drama.

Cyber bulling is a serious thing. It happens everyday and anyone who can read this blog, sees it everyday. Yet most of the time we sit there and do nothing about it. Even worst some people join in. Words hurt. Words have a psychological effect. Negative words tend to last longer in our heads than the positive words. And for some people those negative words, even though they come from a stranger, just sits in their heads replaying.

People find it easier to hide behind a device because you can’t seen the damage it causes for the person you are writing the cruel words to. You don’t see the tears that stream down the face of the person hurting. You can’t see the pain in their face. And what’s worst; is you probably just topped off a bad life. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Their battles may be different to you and may not seem as bad but it is for them.

So next time, keep your words to yourself or defend someone you see being attacked. You never know what that person could be going through and there is enough hurt in the world.

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Porn Addiction Vs. Marriage.

Thanks to last week, I did get some emails about topics that people wanted me to discuss. The one that popped out at me was a woman who wanted me to talk about Porn Addiction. I’m not a psychologist or an expert on this subject but I do feel like porn is one of those topics that has people thinking it’s horrible and others thinking it’s not a big deal. So I did a little research on the subject and formed my own opinion on it.

40 million Americans visit porn sites on a regular basis. While you’re reading this, every second, there are around 28,000 people using internet porn. Now for most people when you hear this, you are probably thinking it’s men who are doing, when in fact 1 out of 3 porn viewers are women. Though 70% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 visit porn sites within a typical month and 20% of men say they watch it during work. Out of the top ten most popular search; “sex” and “porn” ranked fourth and sixth.

Porn can become an addiction. However, from the words of a psychologist that I met with, Porn is different from drugs. Drugs leave you craving more. Porn leaves you craving something different. Now I know a lot of people who see porn is cheating… I am one of these people and I base this belief off of Matthew 5:28, which says:“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Lets be honest; when you are looking at porn, you are not just looking at porn. You’re more than likely getting off by looking at it. And out of all the research I’ve done, so many things show that when you are addicted to porn, you have a high chance of sleeping around or even becoming a pedophile. 

Porn addiction will hurt marriages. Most of the time when a woman enters a marriage, she makes the assumption that it is monogamous. Sex brings the feelings of vulnerability to the woman’s partner in life and makes an attachment and bond to her partner. It’s a way of connecting in more than just a physical way. However, when the woman finds out that her partner is watching porn, a lot of feelings come up for her. She realizes that making love isn’t about her or the bond that comes from it. That is just about the sex and pleasure. She feels betrayed and her self esteem drops. She starts to wonder if she’s thin or curvy enough for him, if shes terrible in bed or if she’s just not good enough.

Most of the time the partner will act like it’s not a big deal. However, a porn addict will pick the porn over having sex with their partner. Porn will encourage lies about it. If the woman didn’t know about the porn, when in a marriage everything should be honest, there’s a lie right there. You’re hiding something from your partner. Or if the porn addict says they want to fix the marriage and never look at porn again, then the woman finds it. You’ve lied.

When a porn addicts says that they are going to change but their partner finds the porn again, it feels like a kick in the stomach and a stab to the heart. It hurts. Sometimes it even hurts worst than the first time because they have already expressed their hurt to you from the first time and you continued to do it. That can hurt them because they feel like you don’t care about their feelings or that they are truly not enough for you.

If porn is an issue in your marriage, it needs to be dealt with. It’s extremely hurtful to a marriage and can be a start of problems that will later lead to divorce. If you love your spouse, it’s time to get help. Go to a marriage counselor or your pastor.

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Sources: http://www.onlineschools.org, http://www.internetsafety101.org, http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/9-reasons-porn-hurts.

Too Beautiful For Earth.

This week’s post is brought to you by Rarity, who wanted to share her story about her angel baby.

I want to share my story. My hope is that I can help people open up and ask those questions they are afraid of or share if they are afraid to. 

I miscarried in October of 2013. It started out as a mostly happy day my husband was back from the field for the day and I was already taking my 3 year old to the ER because she was saying her ears hurt. The doctors office was closed.
We got there and I started to have an ache in my abdominal area so I decided I should get it checked out. My husband and I had just received the news a week earlier that we were pregnant and we were ecstatic. At first I was afraid of an ectopic pregnancy because the pain was more towards my left side. It never accrued to me that I was miscarrying. I had just had my IUD removed and My lining was thin and my body couldn’t support that wonderful little Angel baby.
When the ER doctor came in my husband was making me laugh being his silly self, the doctor came over to me and I’ll never forget his words. They were cold and calculating “Have you been feeling pregnant, is that why you’ve been telling the staff that? Because your not your levels are at a 2.5 they need to be a 5” 
I looked at him with disbelief and answered “I tested positive for a blood test a week ago….so what your saying is I’ve miscarried” and he looked at his clipboard and started writing and said “seems so, well I need to go put some paperwork in” as an after thought he was walking out the door and said “I’m sorry if you were looking forward to this pregnancy.” 
I couldn’t believe him. He had already messed it up with how he delivered the news. How dare he then offer condolences. 
My husband grabbed me and I broke into tears. Luckily my husband dropped off our kids and a babysitter was watching them. I didn’t want them to see me this way. They let us grieve in the hospital room before sending us home with a pamphlet on miscarriage. I wanted to throw it at them. And yell a pamphlet. Really a freaking pamphlet. 


The following days and night were horrible, my husband was able to get time off work, he was able to take care of our other kids. I barely got out if bed at all, barely ate, when I took showers I cried. Nights were the worst. Crying all night until I passed out. There isn’t much to say because not a lot happened. I went through the normal stages of grief. It took me a long time to get to where I am. Longer than most people. Some of my friends were supportive…..and others not to much. I had one person tell me “why does it matter it’s not like the baby was born or something. ” what she didn’t realize is he was something he was my son. The son I’d dreamed of my whole marriage and then… He was…. Gone, just gone. Nothing to show but my emotions. I lost friends because they didn’t understand my grief. 

The only good thing that came from this terrible terrible tragedy was my husband and myself grew closer, extremely close. It’s been 7 months since I lost my son and I still cry. Losing a child isn’t something you get over, it’s something that you live with day in and day out. I can’t watch movies with babies who are in danger anymore. Anything closely related makes me cry and shut down. I should be holding my beautiful baby boy unfortunately I’m not, but we are happily expecting our next baby and everything is looking up.”

 

Miscarriages are, unfortunately, common. Some say it is around 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. What’s also unfortunate is no one is truly aware of the pain it causes to women and even their partners. They get comments like; “Well you can always have another”, ” It’s not like it was born alive”, ” You can just try again”, or worst, they blame the mother for her miscarriage. Miscarrying your child is still a terrible loss no matter how far a long you are. It has psychological and physical problems. 

This post is for those mothers of angel babies, who won’t be able to hold their child in this life. And to share how painful it is to those who just don’t understand. These women, these families, lose a part of them and it’s never easy. These women should be able to express their feelings of loss without the ignorant comments. Hold your children close because some are unable to.

If there are any questions or anyone who would like their story, you can post a comment or write to my email: simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com.  I promise Rarity will answer as much as she can.

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Statistics found at: http://www.hopexchange.com/Statistics.htm

Drowning Inside.

One of the hardest things about being without my husband for two to three weeks is all the problems I have. I have depression, anxiety, and a lot of symptoms of PTSD (I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD unlike the other two so I will not claim I have it). I’ve been working through it and finding ways to deal with it. I normally don’t go telling everyone my issues because it’s nothing to be proud of. Yet I see people all the time posting about how they have all these issues like they are so proud of having it or because they love the attention.

It’s not romantic to have mental illness. I see some people thinking that all their problems will all be solved when they find “the one”. This is far from true if you truly have a mental illness.  Everyday is a struggle, some more than others.  I’ve had people tell me to just be happy or to calm down. If it was as easy as that then no one would ever be sad. Now there is a different between trying to be happy and people who just act depressed all the time. Some people do choose not to be happy because they enjoy the attention despite it being negative.

I’ve gotten a lot better from where I was over a year ago. Since I was 13, I had done some self harming. I cut my self, burned myself, punched things. However, cutting was how I released my pain for the most part. I have scars on my arms, legs, and on my chest. I haven’t cut since November 2012. I remember with all my cuts that I would have friends who would slap my cuts as to try to get me stop. I always thought this was ridiculous because it didn’t do anything. I had cut to get rid of the emotional pain. How people reacted to this usually didn’t help. I had a family member tell me I was stupid for cutting. When they called my therapist to get me committed, my therapist insisted on not having me committed but instead to see her more often. This family member was furious, claiming that they guess you couldn’t be committed for stupidity. I was 17 at this time. This did not help all the things that were going on in my head that had originally caused me to cut myself.

I still get urges to cut but I learned to try to putting my focus to other things. As I mention in a previous post, I have anxiety attacks after being alone when my husband is gone. It used to happen less than a day of him being gone. Since we got our fur baby, I don’t get my attacks until about 4 or 5 days of my love being gone. I have get really upset with knots in my stomach, I can’t calm myself down, a panicky feeling, I start shaking, and so much more. These are the worst feelings in the world.

I feel like I’m drowning while everyone else is breathing. There is a lot of things that brought on my illness other than my brain chemistry being a little funky but I will not go into that.  I still try to find the good in everyday. I’ve been grateful to have a husband who tries to be patient with me when I have my issues. I’m lucky to have friends who do their best to help me get through these. I even had a friend kindly get us an alarm system so I could calm myself more when I thought someone was after me.

If you know anyone with a mental illness, please be patient with them. Do NOT tell them just to get over it or to just be happy. It will not  help them. Everyone is fighting their own battle and others are having to fight harder with their brains.

If you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone or call:  1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life is worth living and you are not in this alone. If you share my problems or feel like I can help you please email me at Simplyanarmywife@yahoo.com. I swear you will never have to be alone. I’m help for you and I want you to know you are loved.

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