Aside

Being In Love with Depression

I’ve been told lots of times before that before I could love someone, I had to love myself. With my depression and low self-esteem, loving myself was just not something I could bring myself to do. I had never felt like I was good enough in any shape or form. Now I have more mental issues and I”m married.

I’ve been married less than a year and a half, I still deal with my issues, and I’m still learning to love myself. So I wanted to give an insight of what goes through my brain on a daily basis being in love with someone like my husband.

Every morning that I get to wake up to him next to me, I look over at him and I’m always completely amazed. Then I wonder how I can show this man, I’m worth it. I’m worth being married to. Now, don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t do anything to make me feel like I have to earn his love or feel worthy of him. It’s just what goes through my head every day. I feel like all my life I’ve been trying to get the approval of people who, honestly, wasn’t worth it.

I always wonder what my husband could possibly see in me. How I see myself is so low that I still have a hard time believing that an amazing guy like my husband could truly love me. He shows me every day that he loves me and that I’m his world… However, I always wonder why.

My husband has almost seen me at my complete bottom. Yet he is still by my side. I still have my days where I just, mentally, can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I tell anyone who wants to see me that I’m just simply sick. Then I lay around my house complaining.

Who would want to come home and deal with that? Who would know how to deal with that? Honestly, not many people do. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me I’m pathetic on one of my down days. Now, I’m not the kind of person who relays on other people to pick me up when I’m down, but it does help when someone helps or it hurts when they add other things to my mind. Not many people would know what to do or say in this situation. However, my husband just tries his best. He gives me encouraging words, plays with my hair, and just tries his best to understand that sometimes, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong for me to be like that.

With my anxiety, he tries to text or call every chance he gets when he’s gone for the two or three weeks for training. He doesn’t have to. He could just let me have my break downs and not even deal with it because he’s away, but he tries to help me deal with it by keeping in contact.

I wonder everyday, what I did to deserve this amazing guy. I’m really hard to deal with, I know it. I have a lots of ups and downs.

Even though it’s my responsibility to love myself and pick myself up, but it’s nice to have someone who wants to be there for you and remind you that you’re a beautiful person no matter how you’re feeling. I appreciate my husband for accepting me, all of me. Even in my darkest hour, he thinks I’m amazing.

It scares me because, I’m scared I’ll push him away or I’ll be too much. I’ve improved a lot since being married. Yet, I’m scared he will find someone who isn’t as difficult.

I try not to let this effect my daily life. I love my husband and I know he wouldn’t leave. He likes a challenge and I’m challenging. I will always be scared that I’ll prove to be too challenging. For now, I’m happy that I found someone who loves me.

So to my husband; Thank you for being such an incredible husband. I’m sorry I can be hard to handle but I appreciate everything you do with me.

Thank you for showing me, I’m a beautiful person inside and out no matter what.

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